The World Is Trying to Crush Me! (All Tech Hates Me)

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The World is Trying to Crush me... well, my spirits at least...

The blue light covered my face. I was unable move; I couldn’t think. Slowly, a scream started to rise up from the anger inside. It was there, stuck in my throat, and ready to come out. But it never did. Instead, it was choked down, suppressed by the agony and weight of the moment. I always heard about times when things slowed down for people, where seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours. Like a pro athlete finally understanding the speed of the game, they’re able to see things more clearly. That's what this moment was like for me, it wouldn’t end. I remember the smells, coffee, freshly brewed, a hint of cinnamon. I remember the sounds, birds chirping as they visit their nest in the wreath hanging on our front door. And I remember what I saw. The dreaded blue screen of death on my monitor. My flipping computer just crapped out and I was in complete shock. “Oh come on!! Don’t do this to me!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I crashed back into my chair and thought to myself, ‘there’s no other explanation, the world is trying to crush me.’ I screamed again, “No, why me!” My family eventually rushed over to see what had happened. Not one of them could comprehend how big this was. I heard things like, “oh come on Dad! Don’t do that, we thought it was serious”, and “who cares, it’s just the computer”, then “stop being stupid.” Clearly they were too shook (hoping I used that right...) to understand why I kept shaking in a ball on the floor. Poor them. After I regained my composure, I sat up and wondered what else could happen to me this month.

The last thirty days have been a roller coaster of emotions at my house. The computer wasn’t the first or the last gut punch I’ve had to endure recently. While I understand there are bigger problems in the world, luck is definitely not on my side. A few weeks ago with my car died. It’s a hunk of crap. It is. Sure, my Acadia looks nice enough, but it has failed me so many times that I feel comfortable saying that it's a piece of crap. When the air conditioning died a few years ago, I figured that I wouldn’t give the car the satisfaction of getting it fixed. I suffered through many 90 degree days in that death trap. This time, it was a little more serious, to the point the mechanic said, “you’ve been driving this, you probably shouldn’t be driving this.” Don’t you love the way they always make you feel like a complete moron? Of course, based on everything going wrong with the car, I think it was warranted in this case. The car was followed by the can opener, the weed wacker and then the grill before the computer decided to go on strike.

So that brings me back to the computer. I built and run my own website, but the Windows blue screen of death was absolutely paralyzing. Having never dealt with this, I was terrified with the thought of losing all my files. While I backup regularly, I’m a worry wart, so I was panicking. I tried to save the computer myself, but I ended up calling Windows.

The first person I talked to first was amazing. Everything we tried during our two hour session failed miserably, but he was great. He was in Nicaragua and he talked so passionately about his love of surfing, as well as the brownie business he wants to start. I talked about my love for Reese peanut butter cups (hey, he brought up the subject…I think.) The next night I talked to another wonderful person who determined that there was no helping me at all, but another wonderful conversation. The problem, Windows had updated my computer to Windows 10, and my computer didn't like that. On the third night I asked the Windows IT tech what I should do, but the response is what I describe as a “telephone shrug.” This is a long silence followed by a sound where the person is trying to form words, but it never really works out for them. So after the awkward part of them saying, “it’s not you, it’s me. I just can’t help you”, I sat in my chair and stared at the screen. The blue screen of death still mocking me, begging me to waste more time. In the ended, I called the local IT store to get help, and that’s about the time I went for ice cream.

At the end of those horrific three days, I deserved ice cream. I popped off the lid, grabbed the scooper and dove in. The problem, the scooper went straight thru the ice cream, right to the bottom. The ice cream was a couple degrees away from being just cream. Uh oh. I opened the fridge and it was almost room temp. Please don’t quit on me Sally! (Sally was the name of our LG fridge (named after the 300 pound delivery guy named Sally, he was honored, but I digress (I hate when people say digress (how many brackets are you allowed to use in a side thought like this?)))) My heart sank. I sat on the floor and leaned against Sally. I knew our run had come to an end. I did the only thing I could do, I mustered enough strength to get out, “Hey google, play Amazing Grace.” We sat there for a moment remembering the good times. My family thought it was a cry for help. I was just defeated, I had no computer, no fridge and no ice cream.

The next day I felt re-energized and thought maybe I can fix Sally, I’m somewhat handy, ish. I’ll make this my stand. This will be where I turn my month around and change my luck! So I took off Sally's back panel to see what I could do. I was stopped in my tracks. I found a piece of plastic melted and laying on the bottom metal plate. In what world does something in a fridge melt off? Within the melted twisted plastic, I saw the beginning of the word “Important.” I don’t know what freaked me out more, not knowing what was so important, or the fact that something had gone so wrong with Sally that a piece of plastic completely melted. Either way, I’m way too big of a worry wart to keep a fridge that could potentially have it’s own death ray (Sally could have been aiming for me and missed… got herself instead.)

So, am I doing any better now that I have a new fridge (Gertrude, the delivery guy’s mom’s name, again, he was honored (although I did get a strange look, probably deserved)) and my computer fixed? A little. I’m just more aware of the things that are currently working that the world is going to come along and crap on. My new cell phone has been working just fine since I got it a few months ago, so that’ll probably go next. Thank you for reading, I was really looking to vent and exhale my frustrations. I hope reading about my technological colonoscopy cheers up your day, or if anyone else is having a mildly crappy time, maybe forward this to them for a brief smile.

To conclude, I would like to thank all those that made this post possible….

To LG: Thank you for 10 years with Sally, she will be missed.

To Windows: You employ some amazing people. I hate your updates. Also, thank you for that last jab of wanting me to pay to upgrade to Windows 10. You are my Skynet.

To GMC: You sold me my Acadia and I will never forgive you.

To Hamilton Beach: How hard is it to make a can opener that lasts longer than 6 months. Honestly?

To Char-Broil : I hate your grill. The thermometer never worked (not that I used it), the handle broke (that one I would like to use) and it never got really hot. Really! I couldn’t use it in the winter because the air temp would keep it from heating up to cook, and that’s kind of important.

A genuine thank you to Byers Ice Cream: Thank you for being there for me. You have ruined my diet on countless occasions, but sometime when the world is trying to crush you, you just need a gallon of butter pecan.

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